


I'm Sorry/I'm a Monster

by AlphaVoyager



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Almost smut, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Relationship Issues, alex is an instigator and i love him, but thats okay because gavin Loves him, in other news, maybe a little ooc but its 11 pm let me be, okay, ryan and gavin have a fight and i cried, ryan is Sad and Hates himself, thats the fic, the weather?? matching ryans mood?? wow im so original, what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 00:45:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15740673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaVoyager/pseuds/AlphaVoyager
Summary: He was the devil. And Gavin was an angel. But angels fell for Lucifer and if Ryan was the devil and Gavin was the angel in this situation then why was this an argument of anything except complete adoration on Gavin’s part. Ryan could be a monster all he wanted but Lucifer still had followers after all and how long could Ryan wallow in his own misery when he knew he was loved.





	I'm Sorry/I'm a Monster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OnePhoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnePhoenix/gifts).



> hi im dumb and this fic is for alex bc for some reason you like my fics and im ????? are you okay??????
> 
> but anyways like i had a lot of gay feelings because stuff happened this past uhhhh saturday ??? and so now this happened and im back with more shitty writing hehe. its Bad bc i know that ryan and gav would never fight but like yknow oh well. im a giant baby and i was reading too much prose poetry about gavin and ryan and i wrote this and im crying but yknow whats new lol.

Ryan gripped the steering wheel. He played the conversation over in his head. Maybe Gavin was right. He was a little too rough around the edges. Never as soft as he seemed. They never fought before this. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run. He wanted to find Gavin and tell him he was sorry he was like this. He was always too rotten where he shouldn’t be. Ryan was the devil. He knew this before he was born. He clawed his way into this world and took everything that he could. He made his own path, pathed with blood and what should have been guilt, but he always was too happy to dig a knife into the people that he loved. Always had too much pride, that's what people said about him. But he won't let that stop him. He’ll carve this world into nothing before this hunger will be gone.

He knows he needs to tame this side of himself. He needs to be soft for Gavin. God, Gavin. He was gentle and kind when Ryan was harsh. Ryan could never say no to him, always gave in when he shouldn’t. Gavin forgives Ryan when he shouldn’t, always has a gun to his head and still won't see that Ryan was a monster. He forgives Ryan even when he yells that he doesn’t love Gavin, he never did, he never could. Gavin can see right through Ryan and always lets him come back, apologize in the morning. He’s always too soft and Ryan hates him for it. Ryan wants to scream, wants to show Gavin that he can never be good enough. He’s a monster and Gavin is pure and innocent. Ryan can never do any good, he has too many demons, too much blood on his hands. He was the vagabond for years and that past follows him around. Hides in dark corners and won't let him be anything but cold. Ryan wants to rip the world apart. But he can’t. He wants to protect Gavin, but he won’t. He’s always been a coward and Gavin can't see that. 

Ryan climbs through the front door to his apartment and sits heavily on the couch. Rain patters against the windows and he can’t help but notice how it sounds just like Gavin’s heartbeat. He buries his head in his hands and takes a deep breath. Why could he let himself fall for anyone like this. He was weak. He couldn’t be loved. He was a monster and yet the perfect man fell right into his lap and he threw it all away. He was the devil. And Gavin was an angel. But angels fell for Lucifer and if Ryan was the devil and Gavin was the angel in this situation then why was this an argument of anything except complete adoration on Gavin’s part. Ryan could be a monster all he wanted but Lucifer still had followers after all and how long could Ryan wallow in his own misery when he knew he was loved. He might have a bloody past but Gavin was the only one who wasn’t afraid of him. He wanted to take himself to the ocean. Drown in the knowledge that he was loved by someone. 

He was going to run himself into the ground before he went back to Gavin. He was never one for apologizing. He would turn this whole city red before he would tell Gavin that he was wrong, he was always wrong, he was sorry, Gavin, I’m so sorry, I’ll never be good enough for you, how could you ever love me, I’m a monster of my own creation and I won’t ever stop, not until I see you stop breathing, Gavin, I’m so sorry-

He passed out to the sound of his own misery. 

_Earlier_

It was sunny out, Ryan could see it through the window across the room. If he listened closely he could even hear the birds chirping. It was truly a beautiful day out. He checked his phone. Not too hot out either. It was really the perfect day. He sighed as he went around watering his plants. He walked into the kitchen to start making breakfast for him and Gavin. 

Ryan heard the soft patter of feet before he felt Gavin’s arms wrap around his bare waist. He chuckled out a greeting at the smaller man and turned around. He was greeted by a mass of floofy hair and he pressed a kiss into it. Gavin turned his head up to look at Ryan. He looked at Ryan like he strung all the stars in the sky just for Gavin. He looked at Ryan like he was all that was good and pure in the world. Ryan probably looked at Gavin the same way. He couldn’t help it. Gavin was everything that Ryan was not. Gavin kept Ryan sane and healthy. Gavin tilted his head up and Ryan took the opportunity to take his mouth in a gentle kiss. Gavin let out a soft gasp into Ryan’s mouth and wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck. 

Ryan groaned and turned to pin Gavin against the counter. He pulled away from Gavin for a moment to admire how Gavin was starting to look disheveled already. They had barely even begun. The old sweater of Ryan’s that he was wearing was falling off of one shoulder, his pupils were blown wide and he was panting ever so slightly. Ryan dove back in, Gavin balled his hands up on Ryan’s chest and moaned lightly. Ryan picked him up and placed him on the counter. He felt Gavin shiver in his arms at the action and smirked into their kiss. He gripped Gavin’s thighs and felt the boy squirm. He pulled away again. 

“Now Gavvy. What are you wearing underneath this?” Ryan smirked. A blush rose to the smaller man's cheeks as he squeaked out a “n-nothing, Rye.” That made Ryan close his eyes. He let out a deep breath and opened them again. He started rubbing circles into the boy’s thighs just to watch him shiver. Gavin let out a groan and closed his eyes. Ryan leaned in towards Gavin’s neck and started sucking marks into it. Gavin started whimpering as Ryan moved his hands up higher on his thighs. 

Suddenly Ryan pulled away. “I made breakfast!” He proclaimed as he turned to start putting the food on plates for them. Gavin let out a long whine and started complaining loudly at the other man. “Ryan you prick. Why would you do this to me.” Ryan could only imagine how wet Gavin was right now. He was probably dripping. Probably still wet from last night even. That thought almost made Ryan turn and continue torturing the poor boy but he decided against it. When Ryan turned around, Gavin was pouting. He leaned down to peck Gavin on the nose and gave him his food. They sat down at the table and talked about what they would do that day. 

_Now_

Ryan woke up and the rain still hadn’t let up. He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t want to know what time it was. He checked to see if he had any messages and saw 8 missed calls from Gavin. He dropped his phone and ran his hands down his face. He didn’t want to face Gavin just yet. He knew it wouldn’t end well. He knew that another fight would happen and he couldn’t do that to the boy. He closed his eyes and let himself think just for a moment about giving in and calling Gavin back. He wanted to so badly, but he was afraid. After all, there was nothing scarier than love. He knew that. He was afraid that he broke Gavin’s heart. He didn’t want to hear the pain in Gavin’s voice when he picked up the phone. Didn’t want to heart the heartbreak lacing his words. 

Ryan wasn’t good enough for Gavin. He never would be. He could never try to be. He could never even begin to be good enough. Gavin needed someone who wasn’t going to turn and stab him at any moment. He needed someone safe, not a monster on the brink of insanity. Ready to turn on the whole crew at any moment. Geoff should have never hired Ryan, he was better alone anyways. He never had anyone else to worry about. No fear of falling in love. He saw where that got him before, and yet here he was, ready to give Gavin everything. 

He picked up his phone. He shouldn’t do this. He needed to do this. He needed closure. If Gavin was done with him then he could move on. He wouldn’t have to sit here, in misery. He could maybe move crews. Never see Gavin again. But there was a small part of him that wanted Gavin to forgive him. He wanted to see Gavin happy, he wanted to see Gavin smile. He wanted to be the reason that Gavin’s face lit up. But he would never be that reason. He could dream, yes, but he never would be. He was a rotten man, inside and out. He was cold and unforgiving, not meant for someone as bright as Gavin. He would stain Gavin, dirty him. Gavin would never be pure as long as Ryan was in his life. 

Ryan’s thumb hovered over Gavin’s contact. Before he pressed it, he replayed their argument in his head.

_Earlier_

It started raining at some point. Probably soon after Ryan threw a glass at Gavin. It was so nice out this morning, what happened. _They_ were so nice this morning. Somewhere during the day, their mood had shifted. Clouds had rolled in and Ryan’s anger started growing. He was mad at himself. For what, he didn’t know. He was just angry. He wanted to throw things. He wanted to yell and scream and let all of it out. So he did. And now there they were. 

“Ryan, darling. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Gavin pleaded with him for the third time. Ryan just stood there, panting. Watching the blood drip down his hands. At some point, he had cut himself. He saw it drip onto the hardwood floor. It looked so vibrant against the light wood. Gavin repeated his name again. He looked up at the man. Gavin looked sad. All that did was make Ryan more angry. 

Ryan turned towards the knives and grabbed one, throwing it at the wall. It hit one of their various pictures just right, so it fell and smashed to pieces on the ground. Gavin flinched slightly. He walked up to Ryan and set a hand on his. Ryan pulled his hand away. He turned his back to Gavin. 

“Why, Gavin.” He finally responded, “Why can you possibly love someone like me. Look at what I did, Gavin. I'm nothing but a monster.” He turned and faced Gavin, who looked like he just got punched. “Gavin, I can't do this anymore. You said you could trust me, but. I still can’t trust myself.” He pushed past Gavin and walked out of the kitchen. Gavin slowly followed after him.

“Ryan I love you because I know who you are. I know you aren’t a monster. Please darling. Come to bed, let's talk about this” Gavin pleaded with him. Ryan scoffed. He turned his head and faced the opposite wall. He saw a flash of lightning outside, and then the rain picked up. 

“I am a monster, Gavin. You know this. Stop lying to yourself. I'm only going to hurt you.” He just wanted Gavin to understand. He wasn’t soft, he was never going to be. He was never going to do anything but hurt Gavin. They had this argument in the past. But this time Ryan wasn’t going to back down. 

“Ryan, please, listen to me darling-”

“No, Gavin listen to me okay. I'm not good for you. I never will be, okay. There's a voice in my head that wants to see you dead okay. I can’t be around you. I'm not good for you. How many times do I have to say it before you realize? I'm a monster and you can’t fix me. I don’t know why you even tried in the first place.” He turned and shouted at Gavin. His eyes went hard as he looked up at Ryan. Ryan wanted to apologize immediately. He didn’t mean it. No, he thought it through. He did mean it. He meant every single word. He was a monster and he needed to be as far away from Gavin in the first place. He loved Gavin so much, he didn’t want to see him hurt. 

“You know what, Ryan? I'm done arguing with you about this. I'm done having this fight over and over and over again. I tried to reason with you. I tried to help you, but all you do is turn it around and start arguing with me time and time again. I'm done. If you really love me, then walk out that door and never come back.” Ryan looked down in shock. If that was what he wanted to hear, then why did it hurt so badly. Still, he turned and headed towards the door. Right as he was about to open it, he saw Gavin shed a tear. He wanted to turn around. He wanted to go tell Gavin that he was sorry and that he was never going to argue with him again. But he walked out the door. He heard a crash of thunder as the door slammed shut. He leaned against it for a moment. Then he stood up and walked out through the pouring rain to his car. 

_Now_

Ryan pressed Gavin’s number. He brought the phone up to his ear. It rung a few times before Gavin picked up. “Rye?” His voice was raspy. Ryan smiled. He said Gavin’s name and it felt like home. It felt like everything was right in the world again.

“Ryan! Darling, I was so worried about you. You didn’t pick up the phone for a day I was so scared I thought something had happened to you.” A whole day? Ryan down at his phone, and sure enough, a whole day had passed. He brought the phone back up to his ear. “Ryan? Are you still there?” 

“Yes, god, Gavin, yes. I'm so sorry. I never meant to say or do any of that. I’m-”

“It's fine darling. Can I come over, please?” God, Gavin sounded so worried, Ryan’s heart jumped. He agreed. God, he’d agree to anything just about now. 

When he heard the knock on his front door, Ryan jumped up to answer it. When he saw Gavin, he picked up the smaller man and hugged him tightly. He never wanted to let Gavin go. Gavin was safe for him. Gavin was his home. He could never let Gavin go, he could never leave him. Ryan may be the devil, and Gavin may be an angel, but was there ever a difference between the two in the first place. Gavin loved Ryan, and Ryan loved Gavin. To the end of time, they would never stop gravitating around each other. Never leaving the other’s orbit. Gavin may have fallen for Ryan, but Ryan never claimed Gavin was entirely innocent in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> hey im so sorry. if you made it all the way through this congratulations im so sorry why would you read this. jfdklajfakl. anyways i hate myself but im gald u liked this now bye.


End file.
